smart CONVERSATIONs

In my career as a Marriage/Family Therapist, I met many families who were struggling to respond to situations that required sensitive conversations. Sometimes a 'generation gap' resulted in misunderstanding. For others, lifelong patterns of communication got in the way. When these individuals asked for a tool that they could use - a way that they could handle stressful conversations - I developed the S.M.A.R.T approach to communication.

Challenges in Communication - the Generation Gap

The term “generation gap” first arose in the 1960’s to describe the many differences such as taste in music, fashion, and politics between the 'baby boomers' and their parents. It was used by John Poppy, an editor of Look magazine. What he labelled was not new in society. Throughout history, each generation has developed its identity expressed in culture, art and innovation. As early as 600 BC, people complained about the younger generation, which has been called the "kids these days effect."

If you are curious, read more about Intergenerational Relationships in our Blog posts.

Ageism Youthism  June 2024 

Intergenerational Programs:  Antidote to Ageism?  March 2024

Each generation or cohort is shaped by the significant events occurring in the world around them during their formative years. Due to these common influences, the group develops similar attitudes about money, authority, work, and family.

A generation 'gap' exists because members of different generations have different values about authority; meaning of work; participation in family life; as well as divergent tastes in fads of music and fashion. More importantly, there are significant differences in their attitudes and societal expectations.

Today, a significant example of a generation gap is the differences in the use of technology between older and younger generations.

Challenges in Communication - Lifelong Patterns

Poor personal communication habits can hinder relationships and create misunderstandings. One common issue is interrupting others, which shows disrespect and prevents hearing or understanding what the other person is saying. This might be seen as dismissing other's opinions or make them feel dismissed.

Relationships are based on assumption: that we 'know' the other person; what they are thinking and what they mean. We should check our assumptions by asking questions -- and listening carefully to the answers.

Effective communication requires a balance of speaking and listening, showing respect, and being open to the other person’s thoughts and emotions.

Intergenerational Understanding

Different generations are affected by the times in which they have grown and developed.  When family members from different generations talk to each other, there can be misunderstandings based on different experiences and values.

Do you want to address the 'generation gap' in your family?  Do you want to promote understanding between the generations in your family?

Here are some things to think about -- or to say.

To the older adults in your family -- I believe ...

• You have experienced major changes in society.

• Some of your views are different from mine and that’s okay.

• You grew up in a more traditional time, and I value some of our family traditions.

• You worked hard to achieve what you have gained, and so have I. You have a wealth of experience and knowledge.  So do I.

• You have the ability to make decisions and choices as I do. You respect authority, but I don’t to the same degree.

To the younger adults in your family, I believe ...

• You are driven by different things than I am, and I am trying to accept that.

• You are self-reliant and do not want to be controlled and I try not to give you advice.

• You don’t care for too much structure or unnecessary rules, and I can see your point.

• You are serious about life, and I am proud of your adult accomplishments.

"Having a S.M.A.R.T. Conversation is not an event, it is a process."
Maureen Osis

The aim of a S.M.A.R.T. Conversation is to talk with honesty and respect;  to listen and to be heard!

SET a goal before you start the conversation

What do you want to talk about?  What is the problem?  For whom is it a problem?  What is the best outcome you hope for following the conversation?  Is the goal realistic?

And one important thing to remember, if your goal is to get the other person to do what you want or to agree with you, it is not likely you will achieve it.  

Another important thing is that you cannot have a conversation with someone who is not willing or not able to because of personality, or impairments such as substance use or cognitive decline.

When you set a goal you can:

• Be clear about your intentions at the outset.

• Know something about the topic.

• Be specific. Talk about one topic at a time.

• Share your goal; you want to talk with others, not at them.
  

Manage your emotions

Sometimes when we talk to family, old issues may resurface.  Past experiences of tense interactions may colour the present conversation. Some people joke that they turn back into their 16 year old self when talking to their parents or old sibling rivalries surface when planning family events like the holidays.

So here are a few tips:

• Try to find mutual interests within the topic.

• Break the conversation down into several parts.  Perhaps talk about less contentious issues first or start with something that is meaningful to both of you.  This will keep the tension level lower from the beginning.

• If you need to have a conversation about a sensitive issue, talk to another family member or close friend beforehand to explore your emotional reactions prior to the 'real' conversation.

Accept differences

There’s a popular expression, “do you want to be right or do you want to happy?” It’s the same with any situation where people have very different opinions.  When talking to family members we may feel the need to be proven right or get agreement.

But the bottom line is, what are you committed to?  Do you want to keep your arms folded across your chest and say, “I know I’m right”?  Or are you willing to find common ground and possibly a new solution—one that maybe you hadn’t even thought of, once you accept the differences.

To accept differences requires that you really listen—it requires that you hear someone saying something you don’t agree with. This takes energy. Suspend your own judgments when listening. Try to understand the other person's needs, hopes, and fears.  Sometimes in a conversation, people are only waiting for their chance to speak; this is not listening. Respond to what you hear, not what you think you are going to hear.

Usually, when we talk about something that is important to us, we want the other person to agree. You might have to agree to disagree—at least for now.

It’s common to notice that people do not hear each other, particularly when they are expressing different points of view. Here are some ways to listen actively:

• Show that you are paying attention and make eye contact while listening.

• Pay attention to what is said and what is not said.

• Watch non-verbal signs; watch body language and facial expressions.

Recognize Responsibility

While trying to be helpful by giving advice, taking on too much responsibility for others can be exhausting.  It may also promote dependency or seem dismissive - not recognizing other's opinions or abilities to problem-solve.

In any conversation, we are responsible for what we say - and how we say it.   There is some ancient wisdom that can help when trying to speak in a way that supports genuine communication and connection. Attributed to many, including Socrates, the following questions are helpful to think before we speak.

Ask yourself in relation to what you want to say:

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Is it necessary?

We are responsible for our emotions. If a family member (or friend or colleague) 'pushes our buttons' we can learn ways to tamp down our usual reaction.

• Recognize when conflict arises because of old and unresolved issues.
• Recognize your assumptions and biases.

This brings us to the last principle.

Take time and Take turns

• Take time to listen - even (especially) if you don't agree.
• Take time to ask questions -- learn more about the other's point of view.
• Take turns. Be sure to listen as much as you speak.

In summary, a S.M.A.R.T. conversation is a process not an event. The goal of a S.M.A.R.T. conversation is to talk about a difficult subject with honesty and respect. The outcome is to serve everyone’s best interests.

The S.M.A.R.T. conversation is based on five principles:

This article is adapted from "How to be Heard and How to Listen: Conversations with your Aging Parents." Lara Osis and Maureen Osis. In Stepping Stones to Success. 2009. Out of Print.

Also based on several presentations from the author.

CALL is a unique lifelong learning organization because all of its programs are offered by CALL members. This results in a broad diversity of subjects and interest groups. CALL groups have established a culture of respectful communication.

For example:

How Can You Think That? A Political Book Club

"Our political book club members are interested in bridging political divides and having intelligent, civilized conversations about why conservatives and liberals often find it hard to meet on common ground."

Hags and Crones 2: A Conversation Group

"We share our stories, experiences and opinions on a wide variety of topics. Our conversations range from current issues to personal concerns; from family to feminism, from activism to ageism. We are an open and welcoming group of peers where your voice will be heard and valued."

Current Events Discussion

"Participants discuss national, local and international current events. We aim to provide a place where people can explore ideas and express points of view in an educated and non-confrontational way. The group has been going for at least 10 years it must be doing something right."

We Love A Good Mystery

"Avid mystery readers, we meet monthly to discuss, share opinions and thoughts about a book selected by our members. Our discussions are engaging, inclusive, informative and fun."

Author

Maureen retired from her career -- first as a Gerontological Nurse and then a Marriage/Family Therapist in private practice working with mid-life and older adults. Maureen has published numerous articles and books, related to her professions. She is a member of CALL because she is passionate about learning. She is a volunteer with CALL, doing social media and the primary author of the blog, because she likes to face new challenges.

Learn more about membership in CALL

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