Alone - Not Lonely
What is the difference between being alone and being lonely? Given the number of older adults who live alone, I was curious -- how can you live alone without being lonely? How can you learn to embrace and benefit from solitude?
Loneliness
Research studies tell us we are a lonely country. One in five Canadians identifies as lonely. One half of people over 80 report feeling lonely. Twenty-eight percent of households have only one occupant. (A portrait of social isolation and loneliness in Canada.)
Loneliness is not the same as social isolation.
Loneliness can be defined as a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation. It includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with others. Loneliness has been described as a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships that a person has, compared with what a person wants.
Social isolation can be described as having few social contacts, little meaningful interaction, or a lack of mutually rewarding relationships.
One way to think about the distinction is that a person cannot be isolated in a crowded room, but a person could feel lonely in that same room.
Loneliness can cause physical as well as emotional harm and has been called the "silent killer." It is only within the last decade that researchers have begun to develop a true sense of the physical impact. Researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad says a lack of connection is a risk factor in death: more so than smoking 16 cigarettes a day, being obese or lacking exercise. Other studies connected loneliness and social isolation with heart attacks, strokes, drug abuse, alcoholism, anxiety and depression.
Elderly men and women live longer when supported by the strong social relationship of families. Good friends are even more likely to be helpful. Even acquaintances make a positive difference.
Because of the importance of loneliness and health, I have compiled some resources on the topic. Some of these include ways to address loneliness -- for yourself or if you observe it in others. One study might be surprising to some: When Social Connections Are Few, Reading May Ease Loneliness.
While reading does not replace close relationships, it can provide a meaningful activity when social opportunities are limited.
Here are some highlights of the study:
- Advice for loneliness often sounds straightforward: get out more, volunteer, and meet new people. In this study, the researchers explored whether a solitary activity, like reading, could make a difference.
- When you don't have many people to talk to, a daily reading routine may help you feel less lonely.
- Books can fully engage our attention and emotions.
- Readers often feel a sense of companionship with characters.
- Reading is relatively inexpensive, flexible and easy to fit into everyday life.
Being Alone: Solitude
"Solitude is pleasant. Loneliness is not."
Anna Neagle
Beginning in the 1960's with an article in Maclean's magazine, loneliness became seen as a common and poorly explored problem. Then, as now, being alone was seen as harmful – as if any moment alone led to loneliness. Because people are seen as social creatures and connectivity is linked to health, there must be something wrong with anyone who chooses to spend time alone.
Recently, I read Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone. I found it to be a compelling exploration of solitude; that the idea of people living alone, being alone is misunderstood.
Picture this. You are with friends in a movie theatre and you see a woman walk in and sit alone. What does the image convey? Do you feel sorry for her -- or envy her? Do you think that she might be lonely or just alone?
Benefits of Solitude
In their book, Solitude, The Science and Power of Being Alone, authors Weinstein, Hansen & Nguyen explore the history of the concept of 'solitude;' present some of the benefits of solitude; and explore how we can get better at being alone.
Historically, solitude was viewed as available only to the privileged or to hermits. Today, with more people choosing to live alone, solitude occurs throughout life. Therefore, there is an advantage for people in becoming comfortable and resilient in that space, to maximize its benefits. These authors believe that time well spent in solitude is critical to embracing an insightful, meaningful and peaceful life.
Here are some of the benefits of solitude:
- Solitude is an opportunity to occasionally shut out the noise of other people's lives and gain an understanding of our inner worlds. (p. 8)
"If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself." Paulo Coelho
- In the absence of social influence, people have the freedom to try out self-reflection, self-sufficiency and independent thought. (p. 17)
"I restore myself when I'm alone. A career is born in public .. talent in privacy." Marilyn Munroe
- It is the ultimate place to do what you want (autonomy) and be who you are (authenticity). (p. 53)
"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self."
May Sarton
How to Participate in Solitude
“Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Solitude is a dynamic space where a lot of thinking happens which can make it a tough or amazing experience. For some it is uncomfortable because it insists that we face ourselves. This might include unwanted emotions or memories. Others learn to appreciate and benefit from taking a ’solo flight‘, at least now and then.
When my mom moved into assisted living, I assumed that she would take advantage of many of the social activities. When she did not, I was concerned. Did she not feel well enough to participate? I falsely assumed that she would not choose to be alone.
When asked about this she said that she chose only those activities that she truly enjoyed. And added: "As I have grown older, I have become very content with my own company."
"The secret of a good old age is simple an honourable pact with solitude." Gabriel Garcia Marquez
What skills are needed to navigate and benefit from solitude?
Virginia Thomas examined some ’solitude skills‘ in adults that helped them to engage in positive solitude. She grouped these skills as follows:
- Connect with Self: this includes the skills of enjoying solitary activities, emotion regulation, and introspection;
- Protect Time: making time to be alone, using that time mindfully, and validating one’s need for solitude;
- Find a Balance: this includes both time alone and time with others.
Authors Weinstein, Hansen & Nguyen have several suggestions for finding ways to explore your relationship and comfort with solitude, including:
- Start small
- Be thoughtful and curious
- Plan and protect your time alone
- Experiment and be adaptable. Find what works for you.
The Art of Living Alone
I have never lived alone having gone from my family home to students' residence during post-secondary education followed by living with roommates and then getting married. But throughout all my life situations I have valued solitude. The authors of this book helped me to understand why.
Because I have not lived alone, I reached out to a friend who has -- and I asked her to share her experiences. She in turn had a conversation with two of her friends.
These three friends who live in a small community in the Maritimes reflected on solitude; how it affects their daily lives; and ways that they respond to being alone. They are identified here as Elaine, S.C. and Liz G.
A Conversation Between Friends About "Alone - Not Lonely"
Elaine outlines the group’s living situations and relationship to the lonely versus alone conversation:
We are all widows ’of a certain age‘ and have similarities as well as differences. Liz G. just lost her husband last summer while S.C. and I have lived alone for a longer period of time.
All three of us identify as introverts and we agree that we don't mind being alone and even like it most of the time.
Liz G. does not have family in Canada, while S.C. is local and she and her husband held a prominent place in our community. Her children live away so she does find herself alone on holidays. We all find that we don’t really mind that so much, but we think that others might feel sorry for us, so we tend to stay out of sight at those times. We really don't want to be invited to other people’s family celebrations just so we wouldn’t be alone. When Liz G. worked in the hotel industry before she was married, she made a point of working over Christmas for that reason.
There is also a difference in missing a particular person or persons and the overall experience of being alone. We all notice there were times that come up unexpectedly when we miss our spouse or other family. One commonality we had was the realization of our vulnerability when emergent or difficult situations come up. Liz G. and S.C. spoke about recent household emergencies that they had to handle and how difficult it was for a woman alone. I have dealt with these types of situations by moving to a rental unit. However, we all spoke about the practicalities of being alone, older, and female and the modifications we make on a day-to-day basis.
Together, we wondered how men deal with being alone and thought it was probably even more difficult for them. I think most people realize that they may be alone eventually and make plans to cope, such as having a hobby, volunteering, joining a club, or continuing to work.
I have a social network right now and we help each other. We live in a caring community overall and people are there to lend a hand even if they don’t know you. But my friends are aging and at some point we will have to rely on family or paid caregivers. I think there is a big difference between older people who now live alone and people who find themselves alone for various reasons as they go through life without choosing that path.
This is a very complicated topic, and each person responds differently according to individual circumstances and personal characteristics. Elaine
Personal Reflection
Liz G. offers the following reflection on this topic:
Alone, not lonely
Not I, not really.
Indisputable, tangible fact: I am on my own.
Let me explain:
My profile in short order reports a widow, 78, no biological children, who lives in a small town in Nova Scotia, has 3 sisters (also widows) in the UK, and whose late husband’s family and children also living many hours away. I am healthy, physically fit, and love being in the garden where I feel absolutely content. My 7-year old cat looks after me and I look after her; a win-win relationship. I am uncomfortable around noise, rarely watch television, am an avid reader (typically serious fiction) and use Sudoku to refresh my focus without triggering emotions.
Does that sum me up? Maybe add a couple of descriptors lest you imagine an outgoing all-rounder: try the words aloof, introverted, private, serious, a loner.
Your evolving blog and subsequent invite to share personal thoughts on the subject of Alone, not Lonely captured my attention the minute my friend Elaine mentioned it. Thank you for asking. I have been mulling it over ever since and having trouble harnessing my thoughts in order to stay on track, on subject – and – be honest. It’s not so easy to define, this business of alone-ness, solitude, anti-social-ness or whatever word best fits the given context.
I have experienced being alone; I was much younger and had left home in rural England for the first time to attend college in London. Lots of other emotions filled that particular recipe for being alone – try frightened, insecure, immature. It was painful, too, I remember. Now, 60 years later with a lifetime of experiences behind me, life is a whole different kettle of fish. I miss my husband and treasure his legacy of decency, kindness and love. I comfortably and frequently wallow in memories of our lives together that make me smile. I do not feel alone, though. I thought I would fall to bits, but I haven’t. I know my husband is at peace and so am I.
Living in a very small community has proven to be a great blessing, too. It’s kind here in the Maritimes, like a gentle-flowing stream. I have never been a groupie but belong to a book club, which is where I met Elaine. We meet in each other's houses, we are friends without being invasive, it’s just plain nice.
Will the future bring loneliness into my ”aloneness”? Hard to say. I am not concentrating on the future; rather, I pretty much live day-to-day. I feel truly blessed.
Liz G.
These reflections show a variety of experiences and emotions around being alone but not lonely. Individual temperament and interests can influence the experience of solitude whether by choice or circumstance.
The Science of Silence
Silence is more than the absence of sound. Silence does not mean nothing is happening in the brain. Emerging research shows that just two hours of complete silence can spark the growth of new brain cells in regions tied to memory and emotion. Even short periods of quiet can help reset the nervous system and strengthen cognitive resilience. (The Science of Silence: How Quiet Changes the Brain.)
When external noise fades, internal attention networks are activated. The brain lowers its sensory workload, redirects energy inward, and begins restoring itself from within. Researchers say these silent intervals can sharpen focus, stabilize mood, and support long-term brain health.
Seek Silence
To reclaim the power of silence, deliberate practices are essential. Silent meditation, solitary walks, time unplugged from devices, and quiet hobbies like reading or drawing can create pockets of restorative silence in daily life. Even brief moments—five to ten minutes—can initiate beneficial neural changes, reducing stress and enhancing cognitive function.
A personal family example showed the wisdom some people have about needing silence. The extended family had gathered to celebrate a holiday. The usual cacophony of sounds was heard, with much laughter, and each one talking over another. A 4-year-old child began creating a disturbance and his mother admonished him and asked: "Why are you behaving this way?" His response: "I wouldn't be if you would just put me in my room." Wise child? Maybe he had a sense of the relief that silence could bring and when silence might be exactly what’s needed.
Can Meditation Help Us Gain Benefits From Solitude?
I put that question to Barry Ronellenfitch . Barry offers a CALL Interest Group Finding Peace and Joy Within.
Barry describes his program:
Many ancient traditions teach there is a source of peace and joy within us, that is independent of our external circumstances such as stressful situations, past hurts, etc. The easiest way to connect to this inner source is through meditation and its sister practice, mindfulness. Over 50 years of scientific research have clearly demonstrated there are significant social and health benefits to these practices.
Barry, would you comment about ways that meditation can help people learn to embrace and benefit from solitude?
The purpose of life is to experience joy and happiness. All mental or emotional suffering, including loneliness is a painful contradiction - a separation from the peace and purpose we are meant to experience.
We often try to ease loneliness by seeking company or filling our lives with activity. These responses help, but they don’t address the root of the problem.
All emotions, including loneliness, are triggered and shaped by thought. Yet our thoughts arise from layers of conscious, subconscious, and unconscious activity that we do not control. If we cannot simply will these thoughts away, what is the solution?
The root of the problem is a loss of connection with the inner stillness that lies within each of us, and from which uncaused peace and joy naturally arise. So, paradoxically, the answer to loneliness lies in the silence within us - the quiet awareness that allows us to witness our thoughts and feelings without being consumed by them. The benefits and restorative power of connecting to this place of silence within us has been repeatedly verified by scientific research. Silent meditation helps to re-establish and strengthen that connection.
A wise person once observed that when we walk, progress depends on the foot that remains still. In the same way, the joys and pleasures of relationships and activity become deeper and more enduring when grounded in inner stillness. Furthermore, connection to this inner stillness makes even long periods of solitude a time of peace and quiet joy, not loneliness.
A new way to think.
Hopefully this information and the kind participation of the contributors has given you some new ways to think about solitude and silence and added richness to the alone or lonely debate. Learn more through the resources linked below or take a page from our trio’s book and chat with a friend or two about what alone versus lonely means.
Author
Maureen Osis
Maureen retired from her career -- first as a Gerontological Nurse and then a Marriage/Family Therapist in private practice working with mid-life and older adults. Maureen has published numerous articles and books, related to her professions. She is a member of CALL because she is passionate about learning. She is a volunteer with CALL, doing social media and the primary author of the Blog, because she likes to face new challenges.
Contributing Author
Barry Ronellenfitch, P. Eng., is a Professional Engineer with over 50 years’ experience with Yogic practices, and over 1,000 hours of formal training in meditation including multiple trips to India. During that time, he raised a family, owned and ran a manufacturing business, and worked to maintain a sense of peace, balance and joy while surfing the wave of chaos that we all experience in our daily lives.
Finding Peace and Joy Within
Acknowledgement
To my friend Elaine and to her friends who kindly shared their personal experiences.
Resources
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